This is pretty scary, hell no one has noticed I am fat, just because I have never said it lol. Yeah right like you are going to miss this here woman.:-)) So where to begin on this little outing of mine.

I grew up in South Africa, the land of bigotry, now if I had been black everything would have been fine as they have good taste and like their woman big, but as it happens I grew up in the white suburbs with a fat biggot for a father and I guess my brothers had their moments too. My poor mum tried to do her best, at least I know my humiliating visits to doctors and places like weight watchers, was motivated not by her embarassment but by a belief that somehow I needed help that I was broken and needed to be fixed.

The day I was born there was much rejoycing for after three boys my parents really wanted a girl, Dad rushed out and bought a dress for me, when I turned 1 they tried to squeeze me into this dress to no avail and my father has never forgiven me for not being this dainty little daughter. (somehow I think he thinks I chose this just to piss him off lol). It was hard enough living with the jibes from outsiders but it hurts like hell when it comes from a place where you are supposed to be safe and supported. It's quite amazing what people can do to a very insecure little girl.

Everyday my first thought was to become more acceptable and my last thought was that I had failed. At school I was in the netball team, the swim team and the track team, fat as ever, hearing the teacher yelling at the other kids "look if Shahira can do it so can you". Fortunately everything about me is big and I have a big sense of humour and have always found ways to ease others discomfort as well as my own with my humour.

Dieting.......... well if I had every cent I had ever spent on trying to become acceptable to the world at large I would be a very rich woman but the only thing it did do for me was make me bigger and them richer. I used to sit with my friends, me eating salad, watching them wolf down hamburgers and milkshakes and wondering what was wrong with the picture.

Visiting relatives was not much better, oh here is the fat cousin, lets take out the sackcloth I have made for her today and humilate her infront of everyone, nothing like humiliating someone to empower yourself. (No wonder I am a naturist haha).

Strangers who believed I was taking up more space on this planet than I was allowed had no trouble telling me so, from cars from rooftops where ever their little hearts desired. (There were many a bus journey when I sat on the bus until it was empty and got off on the return journey)

This yearning for *normalcy* has never held me back from connecting with people, rather it made me so very aware of our differences and the awesomeness of our uniqueness. I have never wanted to be someone else and have never wanted not to be me. I just wanted a new vehicle a vehicle which would bring me acceptance.

I now know I am never going to have that vehicle no matter what I do, I also don't see it as being important anymore. Life is way to short to put my happiness somewhere out in the future for that elusive day when the thin me finally gets out....I now know there is NO thin me. Oh what a wonderful feeling that is too. I finally stopped and looked around me and saw what I have in my life, the many special people who are in it whom I love and am loved back inspite of and maybe because of the vehicle, for on this journey I have learned about compassion, about pain, love, tolerance, forgiveness, laughter, and so I am always me, I am healthy, and am still laughing. :-)

I wish I had a magic wand to be able to take away the pain from people who have not grown up as part of the norm, but I don't, but what I can say is when we look and judge someone always remember this *There but for the grace of God go I*. Do not let other peoples inadequacies destroy you, forgive them for they know not what they do.

And so I REJOICE and allow my GODDESS to no longer be hidden but be DANCING FAT AND FREE!!!!! .

) 1999 shahira@q-net.net.au

        And before you go drop a line in my guestbook :-) 

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