The Redneck Police Recruit

A young man decided to join the police force. As a recruit he was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."

You Know You're a Redneck If......

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this"

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Shipwrecked Redneck

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

A Redneck Pondering.....

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

You can't have everything...where would you put it?

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call you when I'm out."

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually

Jesus and the Redneck

The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.

The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God`s Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

As Jesus walked toward the redneck, the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don`t touch me, I`m drawin` disability!"

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Last updated on Monday, August 30, 1999