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 The Bible, First Draft
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very
lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that he was going
to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said,
"This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you
discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with
every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you
to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not
nag you, and will always
be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She
will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion
whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God
replied,
"An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history.
The Pastor and the Child
Two brothers, aged 8 and 10, were always playing pranks
and getting into mischief. When things went wrong in town, at school, at
fairs, and at church, they were inevitably behind it. Their parents were
beside themselves with anxiety. What if their children should "step
over the line" and get in trouble with the Law?
They decided to send the boys to talk with the pastor of the church, a
Bible-thumping, God-fearing, pulpit-pounding Rock of Ethics and Values.
The 8-year-old had the first appointment, walking the four blocks from
home to the church. When he sat in the chair across from the pastor's
desk, the pastor regarded him with a deep scowl, and after a minute
said, "Young man, Where is God?" The boy remained silent in
his chair. The pastor raised his voice. "Young, man, I said, where
is God?" Still the boy remained quiet, but his eyes widened, and he
swallowed nervously. The pastor leaned over his desk and yelled,
"Young man, I asked you a question!" "Now where is
God?"
In terror the boy leaped from his chair, ran home, vaulted up the stairs
to his bedroom, and hid in his closet. The 10-year-old, hearing the
noise, ran into his younger brother's bedroom and found him shivering in
the closet. "What happened?" he said, starting to
get scared himself. "Oh, man, we're in deep trouble," said the
8-year-old. "God's missing, and everyone thinks we did it."
Letter
to Jesus
Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle.
His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he
acts.
She said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the
money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you
write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."
After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat
down to write a letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Leroy.
Now Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat).
So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours Truly, Leroy.
Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried
again.
Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?
Leroy
Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his
mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of
almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and
went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed, because of
the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions.
He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went
inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really
do.
Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at
all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary
and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this
letter.
Jesus,
I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
You know who.
If
Religion Dealt With Toys
Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves. Church of Christ,
Scientist - We are the toys.
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight
to hell if we catch you selling yours.
B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.
Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Hedonism - To heck with the rule book!? Let's play!
Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
Baptist - Once played, always played.
Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's
just play with them.
Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of
difference.
Apathy- Toys? What do I need toys for?
Judaism - I'm selling. You buying?
First Kinky Church- You bet your ass we got Toys.
First American Church - We play Only with cowboy toys.
Church of Scientology - Toys 'R Us.
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