BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN IN ONE PARAGRAPH

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the
same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells,
"PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!" They
each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes
into a pig in the middle of the road.

IF REDNECK MEN RULED THE WORLD

  • Nodding and looking at his watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

  • Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

  • When a wife really needed to talk to him during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

  • Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

  • Birth control would come in ale or lager.

  • The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

  • "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

  • At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and he'd jump out his window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into his car like Fred Flintstone.

  • It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

  • Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

  • Tanks would be far easier to rent.

  • Garbage would take itself out.

  • Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

  • Instead of an expensive engagement ring, he could present his wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

  • Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

  • On Groundhog Day, if he saw his shadow, he'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

  • St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

  • Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

  • Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

  • The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

  • The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

  • It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as he returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

  • Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

  • When a cop gave him a ticket, every smart-aleck answer he responded with would actually reduce his fine. As in:
    Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
    Him: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
    Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

  • Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

  • The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

  • Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

  • Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

    HOOKERS & CAB DRIVERS

    A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York
    City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter
    noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a
    nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and
    they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her
    mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that
    corner?", to which the mother replies, "Those ladies are
    waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

    The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother
    and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the
    truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"

    A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks,
    "Mommy, do the ladies have any children?"

    The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think
    cabbies come from?"

    TEACHING CHILDREN

    A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

    She brought in a variety of Lifesaver candies and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

    The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored Lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time."

    Instantly, Lil' Johnnie coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out! Spit 'em out! They're assholes!!"

    GETTING THE STORY STRAIGHT

    When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

    A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

    The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

    "Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

    "Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

    "In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."

    HUEY, DEWEY, AND....

    A guy walked into a quiet bar. He was carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them on the bar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the bartender. The bartender was experienced and had learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chatted for about 30 minutes before the guy had to go to the restroom. The ducks were left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks; there was an awkward silence, so he decided to try to make some conversation.

    "What's your name?" he asked the first duck.
    "Huey," said the first duck.
    "How's your day been, Huey?"
    "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day!"
    "Oh, that's nice," commented the bartender.
    Then he said to the second duck, "Hi, what's your name?"
    "Dewey," was the answer.
    "So how's your day been, Dewey?"
    "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! If I had the chance another day I would do the same again."
    So the bartender, detecting a pattern, turned to the third duck and asked, "So, you must be Louie."
    "No," growled the third duck, "My name is Puddles."

    DIFFERENCE OF OPINION

    Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

    The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

    The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

    The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

    ENGINEER IN HELL

    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."

    So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

    Pretty soon, the engineer gets disssatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts designing and building improvements.

    After only a short while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says, with a sneer, "So how's it going down there?"

    Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great! We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what that engineer is going to think of next."

    God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here at once!"

    "No way" Satan says. "I like having an engineer on my staff and I'm keeping him.

    God Says. "Send him up here or I'll sue!"

    Satan laughs wildly and says, "Yeah, right, and just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

    REDNECK BIRTH CONTROL

    After having their 11th child, an Texas couple decided that was enough.
    The husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

    The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Texas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

    The Texan said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

    The couple drove to Oklahoma to get a second opinion. The Oklahoma physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Texas. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

    Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

    BUMPER STICKERS

    • Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

    • If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

    • Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole

    • 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

    • Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

    • You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

    • DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

    • If you're driving close enough to read this, you probably learned to drive in Texas.

    • You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT

    • Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

    • Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

    • My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

    • GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN

    • All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

    • Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

    • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

    • WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

    • BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

    • So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

    • I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

    • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    • All men are idiots....I married their king.

    • The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

    • IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

    • Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

    • Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

    • Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

    • Hang up and drive.

    • Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

    • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

    • Where there's a will...I want to be on it.

    • It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

    • Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

    • We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.

    • Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

    • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

    • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

    • Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

    • Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

    • and the #1 bumper sticker of the week..............

      Honk If You Want To See My Finger

      SIGNS

      In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign
      directly above the sink. It had a single word on it:
      "THINK!"

      The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and
      right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had
      carefully lettered another sign which read:

      "THOAP!"

As I understand it, this letter was actually sent to the IRS a few years ago when they accidentally sent out a letter refusing dependent status for two out of three of Mr. Smith's children.

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I
claimed on my 1994 Federal Income Tax return.

Thank you.

I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. I feel it's only fair -- since they are minors, and no longer my responsibility
-- that the government knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them back to me and reinstate the deductions; this year, however, they are yours.

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Just ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their tax returns. While she has had no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any
other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college.   I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that expense.

While you mull that over, keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Health and Human Services funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence -- and, in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you will be handling it in the future. May I suggest you reinstate Jocelyn Elders; she had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14.  I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little too close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first.  In February, I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or sent directly to Ogden, UT?

Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time since he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll be sure to
file your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he, and all his friends, have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone, and it will be much more peaceful once he has moved in with you.

DO NOT leave him or any of his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, flammables, inflatables, vehicles or telephones. (I'm sure you'll find the telephones a source of unimaginable amusement; be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers.)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year.
I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10, going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, your recent tax increase will help you offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked on Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it.

Good news, though! You can buy it yourselves for half the amount of the deduction you are denying. It's quite obvious we were terrible parents (ask the other two), so they have "helped" raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't.

The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backward, pants baggy, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I'm sure you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room, and I think it would be easier to move the entire thing rather than find out what's really in there.

You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the two youngest; I'll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense but then I'm free!

If you take the two oldest, at least I have time for counselling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.

Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,
John Smith

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