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Chemical Names
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Mother's Dictionary
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
What Real Men Really Mean...
Statement: "I'm going fishing"
Meaning: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
Statement: "It's a guy thing"
Meaning: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you
have no chance at all of making it logical."
Statement: "Can I help with dinner?"
Meaning: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"
Statement: "Uh huh.","Sure honey." Or
"Yes dear."
Meaning: Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.
Statement: "It would take too long to explain."
Meaning: "I have no idea how it works."
Statement: "We're going to be late."
Meaning: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
Statement: "I was listening to you. It's just that I have
things on my mind."
Meaning: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a
bra."
Statement: "Take a break honey, you're working too
hard."
Meaning: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
Statement: "That's interesting dear."
Meaning: "Are you still talking?"
Statement: "It's a really good movie."
Meaning: "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
Statement: "That's women's work."
Meaning: "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
Statement: "You know how bad my memory is."
Meaning: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first
girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've
ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
Statement: "I was just thinking about you, and got you
these roses."
Meaning: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
Statement: "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big
deal."
Meaning: "I have actually severed a limb, but I will bleed to death before
I admit I'm hurt."
Statement: "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm
doing."
Meaning: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
Statement: "I can't find it."
Meaning: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."
Statement: "What did I do this time?"
Meaning: "What did you catch me at?"
Statement: "I heard you."
Meaning: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3
days yelling at me."
Statement: "You know I could never love anyone else."
Meaning: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be
worse."
Statement: "You look terrific."
Meaning: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving!"
Statement: "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we
are."
Meaning: "No one will ever see us alive again."
Statement: "We share the housework."
Meaning: "I make the mess, she cleans it up."
Spiders
Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"
"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked.
"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"
Daddy replied, "No, honey, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"
School Daze
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift.
She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is.
Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you
know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said,
"I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner.
The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking.
She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her
tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring,
"I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
Spelling Snafu
My son, Mitchell, a kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That Catholic education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell zilla?"
Stress Management
Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called the "world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
cascade of serenity.
The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person whose
head you are holding under the water.
There now.......feeling better?
Joe's Headaches
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who offered a solution:
"The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need -- a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job," the salesman said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see 34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9 and a half ... wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about
some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ...size
36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years
old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would
press your
testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.
The Stress Diet
This is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
BREAKFAST:
Grapefruit
1 Slice whole Wheat Toast
8 oz Skim Milk
LUNCH:
4 oz Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 C Steamed Spinach
1 C Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie
MID-AFTERNOON SNACK:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 Pts Rocky Road Ice Cream, Nuts, Cherries and Whipped Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
DINNER:
2 Loaves Garlic Bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher of Coke
1 large Sausage, Mushroom and Cheese Pizza
3 Snicker bars
LATE EVENING NEWS:
Entire frozen Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
RULES FOR THIS DIET:
1. If you eat something and no one see you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples:; Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots & Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories.; The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms & Mashed Potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories.; This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate.; (We all know how calories like to cling!!)
REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.
The Zoology Test
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing.
He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.
The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door.
The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't
know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor
called, "Mister, what's your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy!
You tell me!"
Welcome to Heaven
Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour.
The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry,
and Seymour again said, "I could eat."
Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour
noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was
opened.
Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be be in heaven as a reward
for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna.
But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay to cook?"
Lent
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love
to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I
have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"
