Why do I struggle with self
abuse?
It has been becoming more and more clear to me just how much I struggle
with self abuse. Even now. My therapist/counselor told me,
when I was feeling very discouraged, that God is not so much interested
in my cutting per se (although I believe it is a sin) but with my heart
and why I abuse myself rather than go to Him with what's going on.
That to me was a very profound statement that I had not before considered.
Why do I self abuse? What is the "appeal" in burning, cutting, and
otherwise mutilating my body, which is part of God's temple?
I myself am not sure as I begin writing this what the answer is.
I hope to discover as I ponder and write as I ponder so that you can take
this journey with me. Please bear with me if I seem as though I am
rambling. I guess I feel that if I write a lot of my thought process,
it might help you to understand the struggle that I and many other people
have.
What am I feeling when I self abuse? Frustration, anger, apathy,
sorrow, heart wrenching sadness, lack of connection. Any or many
of these I suppose. Sometimes I self abuse because I feel very disconnected
from the rest of the world. As though I am not really a member of
the human race but merely a shadow, posing as a member. Sometimes
when I feel like that cutting/burning helps by causing pain which regrounds
me in reality. When I am really being torn apart by intense sadness
and or sorrow, drawing blood or sores takes my focus off of the intense,
almost painful feelings. As though by drawing blood and watching
it flow, all of my pain flows out with it.
Why do I choose to harm myself, rather than take my pain to God, the Healer
and Sustainer of my life? It has become such a habit after this many
years to run to the blade/flame that it is the first coping mechanism to
mind. It is quick and easy relief, although granted temporary.
I am afraid that if I take it to God He won't answer in the way that I
want Him to. That He'll tell me that slow healing is the best healing,
even though I know it is true. I get so frustrated that I still hurt
after all these years even though I can see the change that He has already
been working in me. It's easier to take the familiar inanimate objects
than to seek out a caring friend and admit that I am not as together as
I may seem and that I'm struggling and what I'm struggling with.
Okay, that is a big revelation for me. I'm a wimp! I want the
easy way out of living even if it means not truly living! Wow.
I had no idea that all this was there.
Why do I ignore the "escape paths" that God provides to help me avoid the
familiar pitfalls? Pride. Having to admit by accepting those
options that I am heading for a really bad decision and am considering
what I know even as I'm doing it is a really bad decision. Having
to admit that I'm weak and need His help to cope with life and reality.
Goodness! You are listening to someone who has just discovered she
has a pride and escapism problem. This is really weird.
Can you believe what an awesome God we have? He loves us despite
all of our idiotic weaknesses! That is so encouraging.
What am I so afraid of? Why am I so wary of taking my Creator up
on His offer of aid? I guess deep down I know that accepting His
help would mean giving up control of my life. I guess I'm so afraid
of being hurt period, that I'm afraid to deeply trust Him. Wow.
I have a lot to work on. I just pray that I will be able to let down
my pride and my "protections" and allow God to really help me.
