The Spanish entered from the East and the Austro Hungarians from the west. Both fleets were in line ahead formation and each turned slightly North as they entered in order that their entire fleets could bring guns to bare instead of only the lead ships. The Spanish cruiser squadron entered slightly to the North of the Heavy squadron, while the Austro Hungarian light cruisers advanced quickly ahead of their Battle Cruisers to engage their Spanish Counterparts.

The Austrians drew first blood with a non-penetrating hit on the lead Spanish Battle Cruiser. The Spanish quickly got the range though and soon the Austro Hungarian ships were dropping like flies. At the height of the action, a Spanish subcommander of the rear three battlecruisers attempted to implement a line abreast maneuver to bring his ships into action against the Austro Hungarian cruiser squadron. Unfortunately, He only managed to ram the Spanish Battle Cruiser ahead of him causing it 40% damage. Subsequent inquiry after the Battle revealed that the rammed ship was doomed anyway because of a later successful ram on it by the Kaiser Franz Josef I, the only Austrian main battle cruiser to survive the battle. It was ruled that the commander of the rammed ship(although he didn't survive to defend himself) should have shown enough initiative to move his vessel out of harms way. The later ramming by the Austro Hungarian being taken as evidence that any fool that would allow himself to be rammed twice in one battle was not meant for command anyway and the Fleet would be better off without him. The Captain of the ramming ship was promoted for doing the Spanish Navy a great service and was later sent to the Philippine Islands where he commanded the Spanish Fleet in their glorious debacle at the Battle of Manila Bay.

While the Spanish heavies were turning the hulls of the Austrian heavies into so much Swiss Cheese, their brothers in the light cruiser squadron were fending off their counterparts with relative ease. Their Commander implemented what would later become known as the "Spanish Roundabout", a maneuver that allowed a commander who really didn't know what the hell he was doing or couldn't make up his mind on what action to take, to simply steer his ships in a continual circle under the pretense that it would allow all of his vessels to attack the enemy. He neglected to observe that it also allowed each of his ships to be successively brought into the concentrated fire of the enemy . Fortunately , the Austro-Hungarian lights were no better shots than their Heavy brethren and they eventually headed for safer waters after seeing the demise of their heavy cruisers. The Commander of the Spanish Light Squadron was so taken by his roundabout maneuver(mistakenly attributing it for his success in fending off the Austrians) that he later made a career for himself as a DOT worker designing traffic circles throughout Europe.

Meanwhile back in the center, the Austrian heavies were taking a pounding, suffering one critical hit after another. Eventually four of the five Austrian Heavies were sinking below the waves. It is rumored that one Austro-Hungarian captain, though his ship was relatively undamaged, did not want to bear the shame of a defeat(his Grandfather having been a hero in the Battle of Lissa) or else was frustrated by continual bad die rolls and wanted to end his torment. He supposedly in the heat and confusion of battle scuttled his own ship and pretended he was sunk by Spanish gunfire. This rumor is unconfirmed.

The final stage of the Battle is the most controversial due to several conflicting reports. One such report states that as the main Spanish battle line was circling around to the North to pursue the fleeing Austro-Hungarian Cruisers, they approached close to the idle French Coast Defense Battleships. The Spanish sailors began taunting the French with obscene gestures, dropping their trousers and yelling, "Hey Froggies! Come get some of this". The French Commander infuriated by the rampant mooning of his ships, open fire on the Spanish. The French of course deny this stating the Spanish violated French Sovereignty by entering into French Territory. It is somewhat hard to understand this response in light of the fact that the French coastline was some 50 miles to the North. At any rate the French hit the lead Spanish Ship causing a loss of steering and the ship continued North for several hours until it reached the French Naval Base of Toulon where it was interred. The Spanish quickly pulled up their shorts and responded by blooding the nose of the lead Frenchman with a 80% damage critical hit. The French promptly withdrew and allowed the Spanish, lead by the Pelayo which had assumed command to head back toward Spain.

There were however, rumors that the Admiral of the Spanish Squadron, a certain rotund officer of Polish descent, had a fondness of thing French and may have contrived to arrange the capture of his vessel to avoid having to participate in any possible conflict with the Americans due to the insurrection then occurring in Cuba. It was well known in the fleet that he had a preference for French Wines over those from Spain. It is also thought that he might have wanted to achieve some sort of revenge for the rough handling of one of his ancestors(an officer of the Vistula Legion) by Spanish guerrillas during the Napoleonic Wars. After surrendering his ship to the French he was last seen at one of the better restaurants in Marseille, enjoying a huge plate of escargot and frogs legs.

As the Spanish headed southwest to Barcelona, the remaining Austrian Heavy Cruiser, Kaiser Franz Josef I, was left in command of the battlefield picking up survivors. As they were pulled from the warm waters of the Gulf of Lions, they were heard to be bitterly complaining of bad die rolls and the unpredictability of "beer and pretzel rules". The entire conflict lasted only about two hours and was enjoyed by all. The Spanish, sinking four of the five Austrian battle cruisers to the loss of their one, claimed a victory. After repairing damage they set sail for various parts of the Spanish Empire in preparation for their ill fated conflict with America. The Austro Hungarians licked their wounds and resolved to do better by picking on someone who couldn't fight back, like the Turks