My Story!

Way back in the beginning!!
Right where do I start!
OK so I grew up living with my mum and my grandparents, I've always been a fussy eater so food has always been a big issue and has always caused a lot of arguments, especially between my mum and I, we've never got on and we've never been close and we've never really talked, except to argue!
I never knew my dad, and grew up not knowing much about him cause I couldn't talk to mum about him. I've always gone to church, this has played a major role in my life and I find God is an inner strength which one day I will trust in, God is always there and He loves me, don't get me wrong though it isn't that simple - well for some it might be, but I struggle with it, I find it hard enough to believe that people I know love me let alone someone who I can't see or hear.
When I was about 9 years old mum and me moved out of my grandparents house and into one of our own.This was nice in a way because I had more time to myself, but a lot of the time I was really lonely. Still we didn't get on.
I hated school, I didn't get on with many people and I was always getting picked on though my mum and the teachers though I was just being a baby and making a fuss.
Then I started secondary school and things were OK for a while and then I started getting bullied again, though nothing could be done to sort it out and in the end the teachers thought I was just making a fuss.
Next major events...
Well we changed churches when I was about 12/13 years old and my mum started seeing someone at our new church, he is very talented musically and I had a lot of contact with him through the church music group, he was OK though I never really talked to him, mum spent all her time with him and didn't really seem to care about how I felt which maybe I shouldn't complain about because she was happy with him and I didn't like spending time with her, it was nice to have the house to myself a lot.
Then my dad got in contact and basically made out that he was dying and things like that. I found this hard to deal with and on the night that we got the letter my mum went over to her boyfriends to talk to him. I didn't know how to cope, this was something that I had wanted to happen, yet I never realised that it would be so horrible, as much as it was nice to be in contact with him, I wanted to get rid of him, it was just another hassle.
Things were really hard writing to him and even though him and mum weren't talking or anything like that I really felt stuck in the middle.She would blackmail me into letting her read the letters that my dad sent me.
Also while all this was going on I was in my first year of my GCSE's and I was also be bullied at school big time. In the end I couldn't go into town on my own for fear that they would be there.
Then one half term mum went away with her boyfriend and while they were away they got engaged and planned for the wedding to be in about 5 months time. This meant that I would have to leave the village that I grew up in and move to the nearest Town, I was dreading moving, everyone thought that it was really good, how could I say how I felt, how could I say that i didn't want her to marry -I couldn't!
Where does the ED come in?
Well, during the time that my dad had got in contact and things weren't good at school or home I stopped eating, eating made me feel bad, I didn't get very far with that cause I kept getting really dizzy, and then the teachers found out and they made me see the school nurse, which was OK cause she was really nice and she helped things a lot.I started eating again, but still not much, enough to keep my weight up. I kept a lot inside and couldn't understand the way that I was feeling, I didn't know how to deal with the way I was feeling so I turned to food to help me. My mum didn't know any of this happened.
Then I went away from home for a couple of weeks on holiday with some friends to look after their kids, it was great but I found it so hard to be around a family, this was a family life that I had longed for all my life, and even today I still long to feel loved and part of a family but I have to learn it's not gonna happen and being America food was such a big issue and I just couldn't cope with it. When we got back things were terrible at home, my first night back and my mum went out with friends and then all we did was argue. So I turned to food as a comfort and then felt really bad about it, so I started making myself sick to get rid of it, I struggled at first, it just wouldn't work which made me feel such a failure so being stubborn I wouldn't give in and succeeded, this was so great, it was a way of being able to cope on my own, after a while this became something that I was dependent on, it was as though the eating disorder became my best friend, always there, holding me tight, giving me rules and strength. Things got out of hand and I started bringing up blood, this kinda worried me so I asked a friend what this meant not telling her what I was doing but she guessed, so in the end I told her the truth, she didn't tell my mum which was my main concern, but she made me tell the school nurse, I was so scared of doing this because I didn't want my mum to find out.
The school nurse as always was really nice and supportive, but this time it was hard to accept, I felt awful about myself and couldn't understand why anyone would want to be supportive towards me, I felt so undeserving like I shouldn't have been taking her time, yet at the same time I felt like I needed her. She wanted to refer me to a clinical psychologist, and to keep seeing me at the same time. I hated the psychologist, I don't know why but I just couldn't connect with him or talk to him or open up at all, I just used to lie to him and make out that I was getting better and he fell for it and when it came to the summer holidays I told him I didn't want to carry on seeing him.
Over the summer holidays things were OK until all the day of the wedding got closer, still mum had know idea about how I was feeling or about anything that I was doing, I got worse and worse and in the end when my mum was on her honeymoon a friend took me to the doctors to get me checked over and to see if she could find somone for me to see.
That is just some of whats happened.
My mum was told about a month ago and she doesn't believe any of it and she has met my counsellor as well.
The counsellor that I see is lovely, though I still don't understand why anyone would want to care about me or be interested in how I'm feeling.
Right now I don't know where I am with the ED, a couple of weeks ago it was my worst enemy but now it seems like my best friend.
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